We’ve all struggled, some of us for decades on end, when faced with the menagerie of temping apple options that suddenly appear at this time of year. 
With all apples offering different variation of a mixture of juiciness, sweetness, brightness, and crunchiness, yet looking so damn similar and rarely having memorable names (well, the apples named “delicious” are cheating), the apple enthusiast oftentimes has to suffer through mistaken apple purchase until she remembers her favorite sort Every Single Year. 
Well those days are behind us, folks, and the most important and informative of fall showdown is here. I have been meaning to do this since the beginning of time, and now that The Blog exists, well. There are no more excuses not to.
The players:
..plus, of course the McIntosh apples that I already had in my fridge
Yes, there are other varieties of apples, too, but these are the ones that I could get my hands on!
The classic Apple Tasting Set Up:
First, I tried to judge the “brightness” of each apple. In my head, “brightness” means crispness, and how “explosive” the apple is when you bite into it.
It was here, when I remembered that I don’t really like gala apples at all. 
Next, it was the scale from tart to sweet. None of these apples were really all that tart, especially not on the scale of the Granny Smith. From Cortland to the left, the sweetness really overpowered any tartness — I think that the macoun hits the sweet/tart balance perfectly. Not that the empire was very tart, just a bit less sweet than the macoun. 
Next was a close examination as to the texture and hardness of the apple. However, my mind was starting to wander at this point, and I messed up a bit, not organizing the apples in the order that corresponded with the sign I made. Initially, I was hoping that my sophisticated Paint Brush skills would stop me from having to confess that this paper once said “Hard—->Soft,” but, well…
Lastly, the level of juiciness was closely examined. 
I’m just not a fan of Gala apples.
Macoun
This one was my favorite. It was bright and crispy, had an excellent mix of sweetness and tartness, and just tasted like fall and apple cider. It was pretty juicy, but not overwhelmingly so, and was nice and crunch/great.
McIntosh
I always think the mcintosh as the quintessential apple–call me a traditionalist. It’s soft, sweet, smooth, kind of dry, and just an all around pleasing experience. An McIntosh offends no one. Unless it’s rotten.
Honey Crisp
It would seem that, in recent years, the Honey Crisp has been the Cool Kid of the Apple Kingdom. Everyone’s talking about them (“OMG IS THAT A HONEY CRISP?!?! I CAN NEVER FIND THEM! YOU ARE THE LUCKIEST GROCERY STORE PATRON!), and they often are upwards of $3/pound. I don’t think they’re that amazing. They’re very sweet, and, while bright, crisp, and juicy, I think they can be kind of grainy, and almost so sweet that they taste rotten.
I don’t know, Honey Crisp. You may have a great majority of apple enjoyers wrapped around your finger (?), but you don’t have me.
Gala
Yucky. Not good. Grainy, sweet, soft, juicy, bad at jokes.
Empire
I don’t know about this apple. It’s got the great qualities of the Macoun without being as all around awesome as the Macoun. It’s crisp, balances tartness and sweetness nicely, is moderately juiscy, and has a nice crunch. It’s good. It’s no macoun, but it’s good.
Cortland
This is a nice one, too. It’s pretty similar to the McIntosh, but perhaps a bit brighter & more fun to bit into. If you want an apple to comfort you, go for the McIntosh, but if you want an apple to both comfort and excite (goodness, this is the most absurd sentence I have ever written), perhaps head towards the cortland. It’s sweeter than it is tart, but the sweetness is subdued and pleasant. Overall, it’s a subdued and pleasant apple.
Now that I’ve deducted this all out, there’s only one question: who’s coming over to take this bag of cut-in-to apples off my hands?
Life Lived Healthfully 